The holiday season can be a magical and joyful time of year. But at the same time, this season can also bring up a lot of grief for those who have lost a loved one.
I’m actually going through this myself right now. It’s been just over a year since I lost my beloved grandmother. I’m definitely missing her this holiday season.
When you’re surrounded by messages of “love and good cheer,” it can feel very isolating to be feeling sadness and grief instead. I assure you that you’re not alone – lots of other people are grieving this season, even if they don’t always talk about it. So how can you get through the holiday season while grieving?
How it feels to be grieving at the holidays
The loss of my grandmother was absolutely devastating. She was my heart – the heart of my whole family, really. We all miss her terribly, and the holidays make her absence even more obvious. I’ve seen her at the holidays for my whole life, and she created so many of my family’s holiday traditions.
This is the paradox of grief at the holidays. The more you enjoyed previous holiday seasons with your loved one, the harder the holidays will be without them. All of those nourishing holiday traditions – the ones that you’ve always loved so much – now remind you of the person who’s no longer there to share them with you. This may make you feel sad instead of happy.
Usually, the first holiday season after your loved one passes is the hardest. However, grief doesn’t have a timeline. Sometimes, you can find yourself thrown into grief for someone who died many years ago. This can feel even more confusing – why are you suddenly missing someone who’s been gone for years? But this is actually a very normal experience.
There’s so much pressure from society to be joyful at the holidays. We’re told that we should “get in the Christmas spirit,” and that we’re a “grinch” if we’re feeling sad or low. This can make our grief feel even worse. It’s easy to think, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just enjoy the season?”
Let me reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with you. If you’re currently experiencing grief for someone that you’ve lost, it’s entirely normal to feel sad during this holiday season. In fact, there are others all around you who are feeling the same way – they’re just not showing it.
How can you manage grief at the holidays?
Managing grief can be challenging at any time of year, and even more so at the holidays. There are a few things to keep in mind to help make it feel more manageable:
Don’t avoid your grief. When you’re surrounded by messages that say that you should be feeling joyful and light, it’s tempting to try to force yourself to feel that way. However, it’s important to fully feel your grief, so you can process it and move forward in a healthy way. If you don’t do this, then your grief will stay inside you, and will keep coming up until you finally address it. Don’t try to make yourself feel cheery when you actually want to cry – allow yourself to experience the whole range of emotions that grief at the holidays can bring.
Create a new tradition. For many people, the hardest part of the holidays is carrying on the traditions they used to have – only without their loved one. It can be helpful to create a new tradition honoring the person you’ve lost. For example, you could cook (or bake) something that they loved, light a candle in their name, set an extra plate for them at your family’s holiday dinner, do an activity that they loved, or make an ornament for them. This is a way to feel like the person you’ve lost is still a part of your holiday celebrations. If you’d like, you can carry on the new tradition in future years.
Give yourself time. It takes time to process grief, but the holiday season can get so busy that we sometimes feel like we don’t really have any time to ourselves. If you’re grieving, make sure to give yourself some extra time during the holidays. You may need to skip a holiday party or two, or leave out some of the decorations, gifts, or cooking – do whatever you need to do to buy yourself a little extra time. It’s crucial to ensure that you have some quiet time to process all that you’re feeling. Be gentle with yourself, and show yourself compassion for what you’re going through.
Share memories. Grief can sometimes feel like an isolating experience – but if we share it, it can actually bring us closer to those around us. Don’t grieve alone. Instead, share your memories of your loved one with others who knew them. You may want to set up a table with photos of them, play their favorite game, or turn on their favorite music. Whether you laugh or cry while sharing stories of your lost loved one, this will bring you closer to others who are also grieving for them.
Watch out for unhealthy coping mechanisms. When you’re struggling emotionally, it can be tempting to reach for anything that brings you comfort. I certainly know what this is like – I used food as a coping mechanism for years. Some people turn to substances, such as alcohol, to try and feel better. While it’s certainly okay to have the occasional holiday treat or glass of wine, it’s important to keep an eye on yourself, to be sure that things aren’t taking a dangerous and unhealthy turn. Notice if you’re starting to rely on an unhealthy coping mechanism to manage your feelings of grief, and seek help if you find yourself becoming trapped in a dangerous cycle.
Always remember that you’re not alone in your grief journey – even though it might sometimes feel that way. If you’re struggling, reach out to a mental health professional for guidance. I know that I’ve benefited a lot from working with my therapist – she’s helped me to understand myself much more deeply and to process emotions that I’d kept buried for years.
Grief can definitely impact your skin health and your gut health. Strong emotions cause your body to produce high levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. Cortisol directly impacts your skin, which can lead to flares. It also slows down your digestive process and affects the balance of bacteria in your gut microbiome.
It’s important to ensure that you’re processing your grief in a healthy way, so you can move through it. If you don’t fully process your grief, then it can continue to affect you, leading to issues like repeated skin flares and digestive trouble. Although it hurts to process grief, this is a necessary step to get you back to better mental and physical health.
Are you processing grief this holiday season?
I’ve found journaling to be a very helpful tool in so many ways – including processing grief. Along with therapy, journaling has been one of the most important tools in my transformational journey. That’s why I recommend it in all of my programs.
As we often do in this community, let’s journal now about grief. If you’d like to do this exercise, get your journal and a pen. Simply write freely, using the following questions as a starting point. Don’t edit your writing – simply let it flow until it feels like you’re finished. If you find yourself moving from the topic onto a different topic, let this happen, until you feel like you’ve thoroughly expressed whatever thoughts and feelings want to flow.
How are you currently feeling about the holiday season? Is grief impacting you at the moment? How is it impacting you?
Have you been telling yourself that the way you feel about the holidays this year isn’t how you’re “supposed to” feel? Where might these messages of how you “should” feel come from?
How can you find some quiet time during this season to allow yourself to process your grief? What would feel nourishing to you during this quiet time? (For example: time in nature, listening to music, taking a bath, journaling)
How will you honor your lost loved one during this holiday season? Will you create a new ceremony or tradition? How will you share memories of the person you’ve lost?
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