I talk a lot about the importance of self-love. This has been one of the most crucial parts of my own journey of transformation. When I learned to truly love myself, I became able to show up authentically in all aspects of my life. My relationships became much deeper and more satisfying, and I felt happy and whole in a way that I never had before.
When I talk about the importance of self-love, my clients sometimes express being worried about what might happen if they learned to accept themselves as they are. They believe that, in order to change, a person needs to feel bad about the way things are, so they’ll be motivated to do something different. If they developed self-love, they worry that they’d no longer have that motivation, so they’d get stuck along their journey.
Is this true? If you start to love yourself more, will you destroy your motivation to get healthier?
The difference between self-acceptance and giving up
First, I’d like to clear something up. Self-love and self-acceptance are not the same as giving up.
This is really what my clients are worried about when they worry that self-love will destroy their motivation to change. They believe that loving and accepting yourself means that you decide that you’ll no longer put any effort into making things better for yourself.
But this isn’t really true.
You can love yourself and still decide to change your habits. The difference is that you won’t be motivated by the belief that you’re unworthy unless you change. Instead, when you love yourself, you’ll choose to change your habits because you believe that you are worthy of getting everything that you need – like healthy food, plenty of sleep, and daily exercise.
Choosing to love yourself doesn’t mean that you decide that nothing about your life will ever change again. You also don’t have to be perfect, or have already achieved all of your goals, to love yourself. You can love yourself just as you are – right now, today – and also decide to make some healthy changes in your life.
Self-love actually increases your motivation
The truth is that self-love doesn’t decrease your motivation to change. In fact, the opposite is true. Not only does self-love not get in the way of change – it actually makes change easier, rather than harder.
When you feel terrible about yourself, you’re likely to reach for comfort any way that you can get it. This is natural – none of us want to feel bad. The problem is that many people’s habitual ways of finding comfort are not healthy in the long run. For example, if you feel bad about yourself, you might eat some ice cream to help yourself feel better. The more you beat yourself up, the worse you’ll feel – and the more likely you’ll be to reach for that comfort again.
But when you love yourself, it becomes easier to make healthier choices. When you love and appreciate your body, you want to nourish yourself with healthy food. You want to give yourself the gift of a workout or a good night’s sleep. These things become gifts that you offer to yourself.
Think about it. Imagine that your beloved partner has been away for a while, and they’re coming home at dinnertime tonight. Would you put out a bag of chips and a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough for dinner? Of course not. You’d cook your partner a nice meal that they’d enjoy, because you want to show them your love with something that will make them feel good.
It’s the same way when you love yourself. You’re much less tempted to grab junk food, because you know that you deserve better. Not to mention that when you’re not beating yourself up internally, you don’t need to seek comfort so often.
This isn’t just a theoretical idea – the research backs it up. People who feel better about themselves have been shown to be more effective at lasting behavioral change than those who view themselves more negatively. This is partly because they feel better on a daily basis, and so they’re less likely to reach for comfort. It’s also because self-love helps motivate you to make healthier choices. And because no transformational journey is linear, you’re going to find that you experience setbacks and failures along the way – but self-love helps you to be more resilient and to keep going even when things get tough.
How self-love impacted my transformational journey
I’ve definitely experienced this in my own life. After my alopecia diagnosis, my self-esteem sank incredibly low. I would constantly beat myself up internally, telling myself that no one would love me if they knew who I truly was. This felt absolutely awful, and so I’d reach for whatever I could find to comfort myself – which was often junk food.
Soon I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle. I would feel terrible about myself, so I’d reach for some junk food for comfort. Then I’d feel bad about eating the junk food. Ultimately, the food wasn’t really comforting – eating it only added to my sense that I was unworthy.
The solution was to learn to love myself as I was. Whenever I felt bad about myself, instead of reaching for junk food, I would question the beliefs underlying that bad feeling. They were almost always nonsense – things like “No one will love me if they find out that I’m bald.” Once I recognized that my awful feeling was coming from ridiculous beliefs like that, I was able to pull myself out of it without my old unhealthy coping habits.
In the end, it was loving myself exactly as I was that allowed me to change.
Exploring self-love in your own life
Now, I’d like to invite you to do some exploration around self-love. Get your journal and a pen. Consider these questions, and write freely, allowing whatever comes. The goal is simply to explore your own thoughts and emotions, so don’t edit or judge what you’re writing – just let it come.
Do you feel that you truly love and accept yourself?
What do you love most about yourself? What would you like to celebrate about yourself? (If you’re inspired, you could write yourself a love letter!)
Do you have any negative thoughts or beliefs about yourself? If so, are these beliefs based in reality? What beliefs would be more true and accurate?
How do you respond when you don’t feel good about yourself? How are those coping mechanisms affecting you?
How can you bring more self-love into your everyday life?
Comments